Just Take the Interstate

Ladies, please, I implore you. For your own safety, go with the Toyota Corolla.

—Crazy Elijah, whose cars are his children

According to the Internet Movie Cars Database (Gods bless the internet; there’s a wiki for everything), Vida, Noxee, and Chi-Chi took the 1967 Cadillac DeVille convertible instead. Style over substance. And while the car had its issues, it’s still hard to blame them. It’s a gorgeous car, and frankly their luggage would not have fit into the Toyota Corolla. The bigger question, however, is how they ended up as lost as they did. Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania, is on US 1, and I’m not sure they were on that instead of taking I-80 across the US and then going south to LA along I-5.

Look, I can understand if you’re taking a trip for the sake of taking a trip. California State Route 49 doesn’t really work as a throughway to anywhere in particular, but if you’re in the mood for a road trip, it’s lovely and scenic. US-101? Absolutely lovely. You can go on a loop around the Olympic Peninsula, which is well worth it. But if you’re going somewhere in particular, that is literally why the Interstate Highway System exists. There’s a lot of talk about how movies have to work around the existence of cell phones for a lot of plots, but that’s what they’ve been doing for years with highways.

The Muppet Movie has a surprisingly similar plot to To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar. And okay, we have no idea where The Muppet Movie begins beyond “somewhere in the South.” And we’re glad that Kermit and Fozzie don’t just take I-90, because it lets them connect with Gonzo and Rowlf and Piggy and the Electric Mayhem. But they could, and they don’t. Canonically they end up in Saskatchewan, and Kermit even has a map.

I think My Cousin Vinny is one of the “seeing America” versions. They’re going from New Jersey to UCLA, and that means the route I picked out for the Vida and company works for them, too. Or I-95 to I-10. There are lots of options. But they want to actually get to know the country between, so they take smaller roads. In that case, it’s actually plot, and that’s fine. Lost in America has a similar “find yourself by exploring the country” vibe.

Characters almost never take the interstate. I don’t know why. Even when they don’t get lost, people driving across the US drive on small rural roads. Do Goofy and Max take I-15 or I-90 into Idaho from Spoonerville, wherever that is, into Idaho in A Goofy Movie? Genuine question; I haven’t seen that movie in a while. But I’m pretty sure they do not. Likewise I cannot remember if Hamton’s family takes the interstate to HappyWorldLand, but I’m pretty sure they do not.

So okay, in most places, the view on the interstate is boring. And that’s because it’s the most direct route from one point to another. But of course you can’t prevent the existence of scenery in a lot of places, and that’s not just because Lady Bird Johnson got regulations pushed through about how many billboards were allowed beside them. I-70 through Colorado has spectacular views of the Rockies. Sure, I-5 is boring through the Central Valley of California, but the Central Valley is boring. South of me, it cuts through forest for many miles and is gorgeous.

The thing is, you can drop me in any contiguous state in the Union, and I can find my way home. It may involve a certain amount of backtracking, because not all interstate highways are actually very long. They’re not even all actually interstate. But I-37, which is Texas only, hooks up with I-10. I-88 in Illinois hooks up to I-80 which goes to San Francisco. I-97 in Maryland connects to I-495, a spur of I-95, which runs all the way up and down the East Coast. Find an interstate, find your way—unless you’re in a movie, apparently.