Valiant

Let us not here diminish the value of the carrier pigeon. In World War I, a pigeon named Cher Ami saved nearly two hundred lives despite being blinded in one eye and losing a leg. G.I. Joe saved over a hundred lives in World War II. William of Orange may have saved over two thousand lives in the Battle of Arnhem. Valiant is intended to pay tribute to the many noble birds who flew messages in dangerous conditions in wartime. Unfortunately, it’s just really bad.

Valiant (Ewan McGregor) is a small pigeon from West Nestington. It’s 1944, and the RAF needs homing pigeons. They are being taken out by General Von Talon (Tim Curry), a peregrine falcon whose affiliation we will discuss anon. Despite his size, Valiant signs on to the Royal Homing Pigeon Service. He is put in F Squadron. His companions are Bugsy (Ricky Gervais), a London street pigeon; Lofty (Pip Torrens), a nerd pigeon; and Toughwood (Brian Lonsdale) and Tailfeather (Dan Roberts), a pair of not-very-bright brothers. They are dropped into France as support for Wing Commander Gutsy (Hugh Laurie), but he is, so far as they know, trapped in the plane and killed, and they must fly the message themselves.

Is it possible for pigeons to be in the Uncanny Valley? They’ve made the beaks of these pigeons smaller, to make them look more like noses, and it’s just unsettling. Apparently animating the feathers was a real nightmare, and they were determined to make all the characters distinct. Which is great, but it would’ve been better if they’d focused on making them visually appealing. They are, unfortunately, a sign of animation to come. I have no doubt that, with the feathers and all, it took a lot of work. However, its style has been duplicated by a lot of much lazier animation since.

They also never actually talk about whose side Von Talon is on. There’s a certain amount of Nazi imagery, but I’m not even sure they mention Germany. They certainly never mention Nazis. I suppose this is because it’s a children’s movie, they felt they shouldn’t, and never mind that my generation grew up watching Indiana Jones. There’s a joke about how Von Talon is a vegetarian—promptly followed by an observation from POW pigeon Mercury (John Cleese) that he wears a leather cape, because We Live In A Society.

I know that making stories about our heritage is how we share it. And, yes, I’d like my kids to know about the history of animals in warfare, because we owe them that. But surely we can do better than this. I don’t mean a serious movie; there’s no requirement that good movies be serious. It’s barely over an hour long and drags, but there’s room for jokes about making wind and cutting cheese because of course there are. And some bonus sexism because why the hell not.