Ben Vereen

Charlie Sheen, Ben Vereen, shrink to the size of a lima bean.

—Pinky and the Brain

Friends, keep your hands to yourself. Don’t force people to look at bits of you that are covered by a swimsuit. Don’t say bad things about other people’s bodies or lives. Don’t pressure people into relationships. These are basic things you should have learned as a literal child. It’s always frustrating when I go to write about someone who has a long, fruitful career that is worth discussing and find out that they may in fact have done awful and toxic things. Or, in some cases, definitely did. I’m tired of having to decide whether to write about people after all.

Because, look, Ben Vereen is a hell of a performer. So sure, I first think of him from a dumb Animaniacs joke. But after that, I have to really work to make a decision. Is he Chicken George from Roots? Is he the Leading Player in Pippin? Is it his Muppet Show appearance? He’s been Geordi La Forge’s father and Will Smith’s father. We own Tenspeed and Brownshoe on DVD, but I’ve never actually watched it; on the other hand, I do remember him as Puss in Boots on Faerie Tale Theatre. He’s been Judas Iscariot, Billy Flynn, and the Wizard of Oz.

He’s won Tonys and a Television Critics Choice Award. He has three NAACP Image Awards. He’s in the American Theatre Hall of Fame. The National Museum of Dance hall of fame. The Casino Legends Hall of Fame. He’s received an Achievement in Excellence Award from the High School of Performing Arts, of which he is yet another famous alumnus. He has honorary doctorates and is an honorary member of Phi Beta Sigma. He has an Eleanor Roosevelt Humanitarian Award and, relevant to our interests, a Lifeline Celebration Achievement Award from the Community Mental Health Council. He was invited to put his handprints in front of the Theater of the Stars at Disney’s Hollywood Studios.

But you keep your hands to yourself. It doesn’t matter how brilliant you are. It doesn’t matter how much humanitarian work you’ve done over the years. You keep your hands to yourself. Being a brilliant dancer doesn’t change that. Being a fantastic actor doesn’t change that. I was just talking to someone the other day about how frustrating it always is when you discover that someone is in fact a toxic jerk. So many of these people are just violating the “keep your hands to yourself” rule. You need to do better; my actual children can do better.

It’s frustrating. This is the second article I’ve written in recent months where I’ve had to really think about what I’m doing, and this is not something that makes me happy. Both men—it’s been men both times, which shouldn’t be a surprise—are extremely talented, with long and impressive careers behind them full of interesting twists and turns worth mentioning. (Ben Vereen’s career is almost entirely based on having impressed Sammy Davis Jr.) Instead, I’m left thinking, “Should I be talking about this man at all? Or should I wait until he dies and do a fair and equal obituary?” I’m tired, friends, and it’s not going to get better any time soon.