David Schwimmer

Why does not Ross, the largest Friend, simply eat the other five?

I’ve known since I put the remaining cast members on the calendar, when Matthew Perry died, that I was going to use that quote to start my Schwimmer article. How could I not? Regardless of what else he does—and he’s done a lot—that’s always going to be one of the first quotes that springs to mind for me. This despite how eminently quotable Friends was, when it was really going. And there are several iconic Ross quotes. I mentioned that I was writing this series to someone, and he told me he’d only seen one episode of the show—and then said, “Pivot!”

It appears to me, at least, that David Schwimmer had the easiest path of the group. At age twelve, he took a Shakespeare workshop led by Sir Ian McKellan, and while I don’t know who else was in it, that’s not exactly Jennifer Aniston’s four failed sitcoms or Matt LeBlanc’s time in the commercial salt mines. Also, his mother, Arlene Coleman-Schwimmer, was a lawyer to the stars, with clients such as Elizabeth Taylor and Rod Stewart. Though his parents did insist he go to college rather than start looking for work as an actor right out of high school, that meant he was in an improv troupe in college—with Stephen Colbert. His first TV role was the year after graduation.

Don’t get me wrong; flat-out stardom took a few years. As in, six years from graduation to Ross Geller. And I don’t disparage the work involved in acting. However, he was also the first of the six to start getting movie offers. Which, to his everlasting credit, he used to get the six to work together as what he called a “mini-union,” uniting the group to make sure they all got paid the same amount and the network couldn’t set them against one another. And there’s little I admire more than a good union man, so well done to Schwimmer there.

It does, however, strike me that was Schwimmer does better than anything else is play deeply insufferable characters. Ross is my least-favourite Friend by a country mile. Herbert M. Sobel in Band of Brothers is instantly punchable. Regarding the disappointing movie version of Apt Pupil (starring his old teacher in a wasted opportunity), I referred to the changed ending as “And he didn’t even kill David Schwimmer when he had the chance!” And the less said about The Breast Men the better.

For what it’s worth, I doubt Schwimmer himself is really like that. For one thing, he’s an outspoken advocate for rape victims despite, from what I can tell, not being one himself or having one in his personal life. If I’m wrong, well, that’s his business and not mine, but rape advocacy is one of those things that tends to stem from a past trauma and not just wanting to help other people who had one. It’s a cause where I find lending your weight as a huge star all the more admirable if it isn’t personal and just stems from a desire to help.