Die Hard Isn’t A Christmas Movie (Because Christmas Movies Don’t Exist)

Christmastime is once again upon us. The signs are there, if you know what to look for: the dark is illuminated by electric lights on strings, Mariah Carey is on the radio, making her demands known every hour on the hour, and – most relevant to the movie-watching public – the discourse of Die Hard’s legitimacy as a Christmas movie rumbles to life once more. Evidence is presented (“it takes place at Christmas,” “there’s Christmas music on the soundtrack,” “there’s Christmas iconography,” etc.) and counterpoints are made (“it doesn’t say anything about Christmas,” “Christmas doesn’t have an impact on the plot,” “it could take place at any time of year,” etc.); relationships are destroyed, and by the end of the season nothing is accomplished and everyone vows never to speak of it again. At least until next Christmas.

But what if I told you we could break the cycle, right here and now? What if I told you I could prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that not only is Die Hard not a Christmas movie, but that there is, in point of fact, no such thing as a Christmas movie at all? This is a radical assertion, especially considering the breadth and scope of the so-called Christmas movie canon (It’s A Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34^th Street, Home Alone, Elf, The Bishop’s Wife, etc.), to say nothing of the movies that incorporate Christmas into the title (National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, Dr. Seuss’s How The Grinch Stole Christmas, White Christmas, Christmas in Connecticut, A Christmas Story, The Christmas Prince, The Muppet Christmas Carol, and more). That’s a hefty assortment of films all dedicated to this one end-of-year-holiday, and it would appear to invalidate my argument before it’s even been made. 

However, appearances can be deceiving. Ask yourself: how many of these movies are ABOUT Christmas, either in the Christian conception, or relating to its roots as the Pagan celebration of Yule? There are certainly multiple films of the nativity story, but would it not be more accurate to classify them as religious movies? I would say so. The same would apply to Pagan Yule movies, if Hollywood ever produced any. (If you know of any, please sound off in the comments.)

Of course, while Christmas may have begun as a religious holiday, it has developed a strong secular flavor. So let’s keep the Christ out of Christmas and embrace the “más” of a broader scope. From Santa Claus and his colorful cohorts at the North Pole to snowy golems given sentience via magical silk hats, Christmas has a vast, ever-expanding lore explored across various media, but most relevant to our discussion the Christmas Special, such as A Charlie Brown Christmas, How The Grinch Stole Christmas!, and dozens of Rankin-Bass productions. Obviously these don’t count, because they are not films. And attempts at blowing up this lore to feature-length wind up relegating the Christmas element to the back burner in favor of non-Christmas plot elements, such as custody battles and contract law (The Santa Clause), a distant father attempting to make up for a lifetime of parental neglect (Jack Frost), and political factions among extraterrestrial life (Santa Claus Conquers the Martians).

Many films purport to be about believing in “the spirit of the season,” though what they’re often really about is believing in oneself, or realizing that material goods have distracted us from the importance of community. Bedford Falls turns out for a despondent George Bailey, The Grinch realizes that the holiday is mere pretense for Who unity (Whonity), and Ebenezer Scrooge learns that his pursuit of wealth for its own sake will ultimately buy him only loneliness and misery. Then you have Elf, which is such a poorly-written mess of a movie that confuses cheerfulness with belief in its supposedly rousing climax. Likewise, countless films about going home for the holidays are really just family comedies with a festive overlay.

I could go on, but it would just be beating a dead bob-tailed horse. Thanks to this well-researched and extremely serious critical essay, we have called a permanent cease-fire on this debate and can now beat our swords into sled-runners. No, Virginia, there are no Christmas movies. You no longer have to acknowledge Die Hard as anything other than a well-made action movie and, by extension, TBS no longer has to play A Christmas Story for 24 hours straight. Only then can we all, finally, know true freedom from holiday cinematic obligation – and that’s what Christmas is all about.