Sky High

Given how much I’ve talked about how there weren’t really superhero movies pre-MCU the way there are now, you’d think a movie from 2005 with superheroes in it where one is played by Kurt Russell, featuring not one but two Kids in the Hall, would have been exactly my jam. However, this is the first time I’ve watched it, because it didn’t look like something I’d enjoy. And now that I’ve seen it . . . it is not. I won’t say there’s nothing I liked about it; I’ve now added the soundtrack to my Amazon list, for example. But Lord it reminds me of the teen movies I hate, not the teen movies I like.

Will Stronghold (Michael Angarano) is the son of Steve (Russell) and Josie (Kelly Preston) Stronghold. Also known as the Commander and Jetstream. He’s a third-generation superhero, and he’s about to start as a freshman at Sky High, the school for superheroes. Only he has not yet in so many words manifested powers. He gets assigned by Coach Boomer (Bruce Campbell) to be a sidekick alongside his best friend, Layla (Danielle Panabaker). The sidekicks are taught in a shoddy basement room by “Mr. Boy” (Dave Foley), formerly All-American Boy—and the Commander’s sidekick who never gets mentioned anymore somehow. Also attending the school is Warren Peace (Steven Strait), whose mother is a hero and whose father is a villain, and a villain captured by the Commander at that. During a fight with Warren, Will finally develops super strength like his father.

That’s part of the problem with this movie. The superhero stuff seems to be going through checking boxes. As soon as any character in the sidekicks mentions a power, you know a moment is coming where it will come in handy. And I mean, I’ve written characters with that sort of power, and I believe the secret to doing it well is to make them use their brains and make the situation fit them. Some of my characters have never used their powers in a situation like this, but they still used their brains.

The bigger problem is that the movie takes all the tropes I dislike in teen movies and turns them up to eleven by having a designated underclass in the school. This isn’t “stupid freshman hazing” underclass. This is literally a caste system in the school. When Will manifests his powers, he doesn’t get a new schedule because he’s getting specified training in using and controlling super strength. He doesn’t get a class in public relations. No, he’s just getting a better education because he deserves one now.

The twist ending is telegraphed like hell. The ones most focused on the caste system turn out to be bad people; shocked shocked winnings. However, Gwen Grayson (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) is able to make Will go against his basic nature just by . . . being pretty? He falls for her from the minute he sees her, and we don’t get enough personality from her to understand why he’s interested in her other than that. And Layla—who does not even get a last name in the credits—is also pretty and has, you know, a personality.

Another of the movie’s biggest problems is that Will himself does not have a personality. The two things we really know about him as a person is that he’s afraid of disappointing his father and that he hates Chinese food. They don’t do much with the first one, especially once he gets his powers, and the second one feels weird and racist. No reason is given; presumably he hates it because making the sacrifice of eating at the Paper Lantern has to be something he does for Layla. He appears to be played by Bland White Boy #43, and they seem to have decided that the character doesn’t need to be more than that, either.

Dave Foley is doing good work as Mr. Boy. For what he’s been given. Ditto Mr. Medulla (Kevin McDonald), Principal Powers (Lynda Carter), and Nurse Spex (Cloris Leachman). And, of course, Coach Boomer. But you assemble a cast like the adults in this and give them this script, and you’re not getting the movie you objectively could. The shame of this movie for the adults isn’t that Warner Bros. Wouldn’t let Disney give Principal Powers gold bracelets. The shame is that the script doesn’t give her anything to do.

The two stated premises according to director Mike Mitchell is “the adults are all insane” and “the girls are smarter than the boys.” There are ways to make the first one work—have the adults all be so into their genre conventions that they can’t imagine that life doesn’t always work like, well, this movie. But it’s kind of painful to have Will be a lump who’s being led around by his Dick Grayson and still our perspective character. Josie is smarter than Will but we still focus on Will, who’s dumb as a brick. And brimming with sexism, I’d note, which the movie doesn’t.

In the end, will Sky High remove its tiered—segregated, in many ways—educational system? Will everyone get the same kind of lunch available to them in the cafeteria? Which the announcements make clear they are not. Maybe. But if so, it’s because some sidekicks proved they were actually useful, not because everyone deserves to choose their own identity and even coworkers. Not because they are all of equal worth as people. Because I guess the movie doesn’t think they are.