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LOST, Season One, Episode Thirteen, “Hearts And Mind”: “I felt relieved.”

Is it possible to have a morally wrong emotion?

This early episode has Boone (Ian Somerhalder) undergo a vision quest at the behest/forcing of his mentor Locke (Terry O’Quinn). Boone has a fractious relationship with his stepsister; the episode reveals that they had a quasi-incestual sexual experience consummating Boone’s lifelong crush on her shortly before the plane crash that kicks off the series plot, which contextualises both their bickering and Boone’s obsessive protectiveness of her. In his vision, Boone sees her get killed by the Monster that haunts the island, and when Locke excitedly asks him how that made him feel, he admits: relief.

I’ve noticed that people tend to strongly dislike feeling conflicting emotions; at its most extreme, you get situations where people have to yes-and themselves into oblivion finding everything wrong with someone who pisses them off (yes, JK Rowling is a transphobe, yes her Harry Potter series contains conservative and even bigoted elements, no she doesn’t plagiarise Tolkien, what the fuck are you talking about). But it also extends to admitting the upside to an unfair, humiliating, or awful situation.

What Boone admits here is that if his sister were to die, his life would be a lot easier. He wouldn’t have to keep chasing after her, he wouldn’t have to keep throwing good money away, and he wouldn’t have to witnessing to her whining, hypocrisy, and laziness. It was something awful that he kept buried away, and when the vision quest brings it to the surface, he finds he can have a much healthier, more goal-oriented way of thinking.

I know the emotions of this are true because I’ve experienced them; indeed, the episode prepared me for them. Those who know me may know that my father died this year after a six year battle with dementia. As his symptoms progressed from ‘unignorable’ to ‘debilitating’, I found myself contemplating the lesson this episode taught; that it would – not might, would – be very convenient when he died, lifting the need to clean up after him, to find ways of occupying and protecting him, and to no longer witness his slow degradation.

Any carer in any capacity will know how awful it is to admit that your caree is a drain on your life, particularly when they will only get worse, not better. Being able to follow the example of LOST and admit to it freed me up to focus on the upside – that I still had precious minutes I could spend with him that I could use any way I wanted and which I would, most likely, futilely beg for later. Acknowledging that I would be frustrated right now helped me let go of it; it also prepared me for the inevitable grief I was going to feel when it happened.