I, like most people, grew up on the Muppets. They’re literally a part of my family history; I have relatives who were puppeteers in The Muppet Movie. My favourite aunt used to be a professional puppeteer, and she knew people who knew one of the regular Muppet performers, and that’s how they got enough people for the big musical number at the end. I have a picture of that scene without the Muppets, just the performers, and one of my cousins is identifiable in it near the front if you know what my cousin looks like. And as someone with this history in the Muppets, I can tell you that this movie is fine.
It’s just after the events of The Muppets. Literally; “The End” is still hanging in the air. What are they going to do next? A sequel! What are they going to do for a sequel? Well, that’s an excellent question, actually. After a bit of discussion they agree to do a world tour, helped by one Dominic Badguy (Ricky Gervais), pronounced “badgee.” (It’s French.) Meanwhile, Constantine, the World’s Most Dangerous Frog, escapes from a Russian gulag. What with one thing and another, Constantine ends up taking Kermit’s place and Kermit ends up in the gulag instead. Animal immediately senses something fishy, but pretty much everyone else is persuaded to overlook the barely-disguised Russian accent and what have you by being told they can do whatever they want.
This is the kind of Muppet story I grew up on. There’s a running thing online about Muppet versions of assorted works; it’s always adaptations of books or similar wherein all the characters are Muppets except a single human. But that’s not how the Muppets usually work. The Muppets exist in a human world most of the time. There may be occasional questions—the one about rat waiters in The Muppets Take Manhattan, for example, or Charlie McCarthy’s disbelief that Miss Piggy can win the beauty pageant in The Muppet Movie—but by and large, we just accept the Muppets as part of the world.
Honestly, I think that’s part of their staying power. The Muppets are real in a way that many other characters are not. Danny Trejo played one of the gulag prisoners in this movie—named Danny Trejo, so theoretically just playing himself—and his mother died during filming. He finished up his scenes before going to LA to attend her funeral, and as people gave him their condolences, he reacted in the stoic way we expect of him. When Steve Whitmire expressed them as Kermit, that’s when Trejo broke down in tears. Kermit’s sympathy means more than that of Ray Liotta.
They were also firm that they would not be using CGI if they could avoid it and wouldn’t in any way do a fully CGI character. (A computer-generated character, Waldo C. Graphic, does exist, but most people don’t remember him.) The point of the Muppets is that you can reach out and touch them. Watch children interact with the Sesame Street Muppets, for example; they are not talking to the performer. They’re talking to Ernie or Oscar or Kermit. It’s believable that Nadya (Tina Fey), the gulag commander, could fall in love with Kermit because we have seen people flirt with Muppets for decades.
Actually, the only affair Tim Curry discusses in his excellent autobiography Vagabond is with Miss Piggy, because he knows we all know about that. And it isn’t so much discussed as simply acknowledged. But he and Michael Caine are the only humans who have starred in a theatrical release Muppet movie. I suppose Kevin Bishop, the kid who played Jim Hawkins. This movie is one where the Muppets themselves are the stars, and I think that was a problem for a lot of people whose childhood Muppet movies are Christmas Carol and Treasure Island.
Because while this isn’t a great movie, I think it’s unjustly maligned. So okay, I automatically distrusted Dominic not just because of the name but because of my loathing for Ricky Gervais. And arguably this has the Muppet movie cameo that has aged worst; a certain performer/producer who should be in prison for the next few years at least appears for a minute and I think is even called out by name. That said, it’s a perfectly acceptable movie. It’s a fun romp, with the Muppets traipsing across Europe trailed by CIA agent Sam the Eagle and Interpol agent Jean Pierre Napoleon (Ty Burrell).
So okay, the jokes about how Europeans expect actual lunch breaks and vacations are a little hard to take. And I don’t think they intended the guests to be almost but not quite what you think they are. (Their guest in Berlin is Austrian Christoph Waltz. Their guest in Madrid is Mexican Salma Hayek. Their guest in Dublin is American Saoirse Ronan.) But I don’t know; maybe they do. I will say I laughed ridiculously hard at the gulag prisoners’ performing the opening from A Chorus Line. Kermit’s gulag revue introduction of “lady and gentlemen” is subtle but inspired. And honestly I like how Constantine is always just slightly off.
Starting, because this is the Muppets, with his actual puppet design. Because they didn’t just slap a mole on a Kermit puppet. Constantine is visually distinct if you pay attention. The slant of his eye slits is different. His collar is off, though that one is hard to see if they’re not standing side by side. And most notably, the corners of his mouth are turned down in his build. Kermit’s mouth is straight, so he can show joy or anger or sorrow or, most frequently, frustration. Constantine is always frowning. You shouldn’t need “hi-lo” or a refusal to rein the Electric Mayhem or Gonzo in to realize that simply isn’t Kermit.
Also, he’s willing to marry Piggy. I personally have never liked the pairing; Piggy is awful. Kermit doesn’t treat her terribly well, I’ll admit, but I’ve always felt he was driven to it. She’s insufferable and egotistical, and she is, let’s be real harassing him. He’s said no, and she ignores it. We play with that in various of the movies—he’s in love with her in one way or another in all of them—but she’s just treating their wedding like it’s a fait accompli, whether Kermit is interested or not. But Constantine doesn’t know that history, and he has his own reasons for being willing to marry her.
All in all, I think this deserves to be remembered for more than just the image of Apparently Sith Kermit facing Actual Kermit. It’s not great, but it’s fun, and it’s got a few good bits to it. There’s some solid celebrity cameos—it’s Tony Bennett’s final film appearance. I liked how the usher at the wedding was, you know, Usher. Stanley Tucci gets like two lines as a guard at the gulag. Miranda Richardson is the first one to identify Kermit as Constantine. The wedding is being performed by Frank Langella because why not. And so forth, in a very Muppet way. That’s the other problem with the Only One Human movies; not enough room for cameos.
Who is the performer/producer?