I love the Oscars. The first year I remember watching any of it was 1992, though I may have watched some earlier. They’re an annual tradition for me now to the point that the fact that the ceremony was last night was why Cori ended up going to Tacoma to see Clue instead of me even though I am physically far closer. I just wouldn’t miss my beloved ceremony. I can cite statistics and quality of host and weird moments, and I have Feelings about races the average person didn’t know existed. I am still willing to host the actual ceremony, and I do host the annual Magpies online watch party, available on our Discord for Patreon subscribers.
So, yes, of course I watched last night, and of course I have thoughts. They range from as basic as “my Gods I’m glad we’re out of the era of the flesh-coloured dress” to “boy, they really went ahead and gave a suspected domestic abuser an Oscar, huh?” Of course Sean Penn hates cancel culture; he should be canceled. Kieran Culkin’s line about how Sean Penn just chose not to show up made me laugh, because hoo boy I can’t imagine that’s a room full of people fond of him, especially given his views about “traditional masculinity.”
But okay, let’s start with the obvious bits. Conan was, again, a good host. I admit I’ve liked several hosts more than the average person, but if Conan became what Billy Crystal or Bob Hope have been to the Oscars, I wouldn’t complain. He’s just pointed enough. Keeps up with the ceremony. Shows concern and respect for the people not allowed to give their speeches. (I remain committed to the idea that the ceremony should just embrace being really long.) You can believe that he’s seen at least some of the movies, and he’s got the right energy level.
On the one hand, I’m fine with not seeing another attempt at a production number of a Diane Warren song, and the two front-runner songs were the ones best suited to a production number in the first place. (Apparently the Sinners people kept going after we cut to commercial, and release the whole thing on YouTube you cowards.) On the other hand, look. It’s not fair. I may be one of the only people who’s actually heard all five songs who isn’t an Academy voter, and the remaining two certainly deserve to be heard.
I decided many years ago that not even the Academy can make me watch some of these movies, given I’m not a voter. I knew I’d hate One Battle After Another; Paul Thomas Anderson still hasn’t landscaped my yard, and until he does, I don’t have to watch any of his movies. I didn’t much think I’d like Marty Supreme, either. So that was two big names I wasn’t going to get to. (I also did not see F1 or the new Avatar, because I was pretty sure both would just bore me.) That isn’t the only reason I was Team Sinners, but it was on the list.
This is the first time I’ve been torn about the honorary awards’ not getting a moment in the spotlight. Because let’s be clear—we should all take a moment from our lives to treasure Dolly Parton and be thrilled that she’s got the Hersholt. I’m not sure there are many people in Hollywood who deserve one more. But they gave an honorary award to Tom Cruise, who doesn’t deserve it in the same sense that Sean Penn doesn’t deserve being paid attention to. Sean Penn is more personally violent, but Tom Cruise has done more harm. It’s not great.
Having put together twelve videos for Magpies for last year’s In Memoriam, I have a great deal of sympathy for whoever has to do it for the Oscars. Sure, Billy Crystal went on a bit about Rob Reiner, with Rachel McAdams going on about Diane Keaton and Barbra Streisand about Robert Redford. But they were last year’s big, noteworthy deaths, and I think Rob Reiner in particular hit us all very hard. I do dislike that they put two people on most of the slides, but at least they got a speaking clip of Graham Greene.
If we were going to have a tie for Live Action Short, those were two good choices to win. I’ll admit that my personal favourite of the ones I saw was “Jane Austen’s Period Piece,” but even though I have declared “Two People Exchanging Saliva” as Weird Damn French Crap, that doesn’t mean it’s actually bad. It’s not. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense when you think about it, but it’s well made, after all. And while I didn’t like the visual appearance of “The Girl Who Cried Pearls,” it’s an exceedingly well made short that at least isn’t “Forevergreen,” so I’m fine with its win.
We had a record set last night that went unnoticed; Diane Warren is now the person with the most nominations without a competitive win. And the only reason it isn’t deserved is that, you know, they could stop nominating her decidedly mid songs. She’s written a few legitimate bangers in her day—did you know she wrote “Unbreak My Heart”?—but that day ended with maybe “Don’t Want to Miss a Thing.” She wasn’t going to beat “I Lied to You” or “Golden,” whose only real competition was each other.
I’m fine with the Frankenstein wins. I liked that movie, and you’re never going to find a Guillermo Del Toro movie that isn’t beautifully made. Sets, costumes, makeup, and so forth—the man has a vision and runs with it. I would’ve preferred a screenplay win for it, but I know that’s my personal PTA Thing. I didn’t feel as strongly about it as my “Sinners or we riot” in the category of Original Screenplay. I would’ve been fine with Sinners winning Frankenstein’s awards, of course, but I’m not actually mad about it.
Aside from Sean Penn, the category I’m genuinely mad about is Best Actress. I saw Hamnet, and it’s fine. It’s very pretty. I didn’t feel there was much characterization, and honestly I was a little bewildered it was even nominated for Best Actress, because I didn’t think there was much to the role to Best Actress over. And I saw If I Had Legs, and Rose Byrne acted the hell out of that part. It’s a tough role, and she’s phenomenal in it. Was it that she made Oscar voters uncomfortable? That wouldn’t surprise me; it’s an uncomfortable role in an uncomfortable movie. But she won Best Actress in my heart, and that’s what matters.
Would’ve been nice if I hadn’t had to sit through her Bridesmaids bit, which went on far too long, but hey, what do you do? That movie has mostly dropped out of the cultural conversation, but at least we got to see the Academy remembering that movies aimed at women even exist, I guess. And the movie turns fifteen this year, which is a nice round number, but it’s fourteen years since the Oscar ceremony it was in which is a bit sillier.
And Michael B. Jordan. I shouted very loudly when he won, alas for my poor microphone, because I was exceedingly happy. A deserved win. Smoke and Stack are different enough that you would have to be very careful in your performance. So good. And I was afraid that Leonardo DiCaprio—a person I find personally unpleasant—was going to win instead of someone with a lot of cultural weight behind the love.
Honestly, I was afraid of a Color Purple-style shutout. When Sinners lost for Casting and Supporting Actor, I was convinced. And, no, it wasn’t the sweep I hoped for, and I will champion even Benicio Del Toro in the movie I didn’t see over Sean Penn so there’s that as well, but I think this year hit a balance between critical and commercial darling, admittedly helped by the fact that the critics also loved Sinners and Kpop Demon Hunters. Also, they let Javier Bardem onstage with a lapel pin opposing “la guerra” and Will Arnett declared his opposition to AI and nobody put a person with Tourette’s next to a hot mike, so at least the Academy did better than the BAFTAs. Low bar though that may be.